Love you, but ...

A lot of people have asked me how I like the new job.

"I love it," I say. "Everything about it -- the people, the environment, the work, everything."

As crazy as I am about it, there's one problem: I am NOT a morning person. I'm sure most of it stems from my late bedtime, but it's hard to get 8 hours of sleep (and I've determined I need every minute of it) when Pete gets home late and we don't eat dinner til 8:30 or 9. I can't go to bed immediately following dinner, so that tacks on AT LEAST another half hour. Plus, I'd like to have some kind of chit chat with my lifelong companion, so that adds another chunk of time. Before I know it, it's 11 p.m. and I'm lucky to get 6 hours of sleep. I get up around 5 to leave time for my commute, and by 8 a.m. devotions, I'm struggling to hold my head up. All I can think about is how I should have taken those naps when I was a kid.

"One day, you'll WANT to take naps," Mom would tell me.

"No, I won't," I said. "And I'm not tired."

Stupid, stupid kid.

In an attempt to remedy my heavy eyelids, I did a quick Google search: "tips for keeping eyes open." (Not a coffee person, either, so that's out.) Here are my search results:

1. A website called Positive Performance Coaching says there's a lot to learn when you're waiting your turn in a cycling competition. You should watch for the following: "Who is the smoothest?" "Who keeps looking over there shoulder?" (Yes, "there," not "their." That's the second spelling error I've found on the first page.) And finally, "Who is riding like a squirrel?" I have no idea what that means, but I keep picturing a squirrel on a bicycle with nuts in its basket.

2. Tips for keeping your subjects' eyes open when photographing a group of kids. Suggestions: photographing in the early morning before the sun interferes; counting to three at which point everyone should have their eyes open (wait, this is NEW advice?); and not worrying about whether people are looking at the camera, as long as their eyes are open wherever they are looking.

3. A management site that inspires companies to "keep their eyes open for innovation." Among the recommendations: "Make brainstorming a religion. Practice it every day, weave it into the cultural fabric of your organization." That's what we need! A religion based on brainstorming! Pretty sure we already have that. ... Oh, and another recommendation I mustn't fail to mention: "Encourage boyish pranks and wild play in the office. They don't just pump up the team, but also create an atmosphere where you naturally take chances and solve problems." Yes, now I'm positive this was written by a guy. I envision Jim Halpert putting Dwight Schrute's stapler in a globe of Jello.

4. Kissing -- eyes closed or open? "The answer is not straightforward," Kissing Advice says. It depends on the length and intensity of the kiss, as well as your environment. My favorite part of the site is the ad for laser vision correction at the bottom. If you can't SEE your kissing partner, you don't have to worry about it!

5. A thread of comments about struggling to keep both eyes open when shooting, courtesy of NortheastShooters.com. One member offers the following advice: "Put some scotch tape on the glasses over your non-dominant eye." A commenter known as "Jack Daniels" has a different approach: "If you see two guns like I do, just shoot the one on the left all of the time." What a marvelous idea! I can't think of a better strategy than shooting from the gun you THINK is the real one. But wait! Member "P-14" has an even better idea: "I keep both eyes open when shooting, unless I have to aim." Sorry, P-14, the smiling emoticon tacked onto your post doesn't make me feel better. 

Other results took me to sites about keeping your eyes open under water, explanations of certain idioms and protecting your eyes while you tan. I gave up after that.